March is an extremely tough month for me, it has been for the past 9 years! My emotions, my anxieties, my worst fear and more come into full affect and there’s zero stopping it! It’s a traumatic month and so bittersweet at the same time!

A couple of years ago my grief overcame me and I hit rock bottom. I lost myself in the pain and anxieties of loosing the most amazing person in my life, my mom! I couldn’t control my feelings during the month of March like I normally would have. Just one bad day and it’s over then turned into, just one bad week which turned into the whole month and then around 6 months of full blown darkness.

So basically my mom got sent to hospital on 6th March 2012, she was kept in for 1 week and then on the 13th March, was diagnosed with lung cancer (shock to us all!) she was discharged and told she could have chemo to help keep the cancer at bay for a while longer. For the next week or so she was sooo poorly constantly sick, couldn’t even get to the bathroom without falling over, she was so weak. I couldn’t leave her side. She had chemo on Wednesday 28th March 2012 and with this she was told we’d have a good 6-18 months with her, that the chemo would help. She died Friday 30th March 2012 in my arms with our dog at her feet and my dad at her side. There was no warning and it was not 6 months down the line! My heart broke into a million pieces!

So this year marks 9 years since this happened, 9 years since I spoke to her, since I got a hug, since I saw her and my heart still breaks! I’m holding back the tears as I write this! She didn’t get to meet my babies!!

On a positive note, this year I have decided that I’m going to focus myself on something I want to do, which is start an online diploma … now Theo’s going back to school and the girls can (occasionally) nap I want to put my all into something for me! Just like I did all those years ago starting uni when I was at the lost point in my life just after her death. And university was absolutely amazing!!

So what I’m trying to say is, I’m hurting… so badly but this time it won’t consume me! I’ll have bad days and I’ll have days where I’m so busy I won’t even remember the pain but all in all March will not beat me again! I will enjoy Mother’s Day (the bittersweet thing!) with my babies and go a show my mama some love instead of avoiding as I normally try!

Was this all a bit of a ramble? Perhaps, but I feel SO much better for it!

Love always, Gee x